would you change anything?

an interesting question was posed the other day in church...if you had the opportunity to go back and change one thing in your life, would you? i know my pastor didn't mean that to be the focal point of his sermon, but for me it was. he said that there was a name for those of us who didn't raise our hands...liars. i really don't know if he's right. i mean, think about it, if you change even just one thing, everything that follows changes as well.

for example, something small to begin with, if instead of going to a movie, you stay home and play games with your family. either option is just fine, but if you stayed home, you would miss inside jokes with your friends, but gain them with your family. not that one should be higher than the other, but interactions after that look different.

something bigger as an example, what if everything would have worked out as "planned"? what if you were married right now? what would you have gained? what would your life look like? what would you have missed out on? would you really want anything different?

my answer is no.

the more things happen, the more i am affirmed that everything has a purpose, even when we screw up. we learn things. we learn what we want and what we deserve. we're a stubborn people and often pain is the best and cruelest teacher. look back however, and you'll see that hindsight is 20/20. if you can't see the purpose, you aren't far enough out of the event.

i know this all sounds weirdly optimistic, and the fact is, it may all be the holidays. i'm not feeling horribly happy at the moment, but i still have this strange feeling that everything will be alright.

i graduate in may. bollocks. i want so badly to go straigt to grad school, however, i'm flat broke. i am beginning to entertain the possibility of working for a few years and then going back to school. that opens a whole new box of issues, but i think i'll be alright. my last plan didn't work out and as broken and hurt as i was from the dissolution, i honestly don't want that plan anymore.

i'll be alright, whatever happens. and i wouldn't change a thing.