i want the color.

i want to fall in love.

i've probably had to much time to think lately and that's probably where this is all coming from.

i want the love that's crazy. that doesn't make any sense and at the same time is so obvious, we won't know why we didn't see it before. i don't think i've met him. but i am starting to get a picture of who he may be. this is because i am learning more and more what i need.

i had a dream last night that i honestly haven't stopped thinking about all day. i don't remember many of the details because i was finishing it as i woke up. all i really do remember is how wonderful he was. and i was absolutely happy. a happy that i have never been. the relationship this guy and i had felt equal which is something i may not have ever truly had. i didn't judge my every action on whether or not he'd leave me. i KNEW he wanted me, all of me. i felt secure.

i'm looking for him. i'm looking for the way i felt with him. i'm looking for someone who wants me the way this guy wanted me. i think my subconscious was remembering regina spektor's fidelity at one point in my dream because i remember saying something about never wanting the color to leave.

maybe it is selfish, but maybe it isn't. in the past i've settled. this isn't to say that the guys i've dated have been beneath me or anything, they just were not for me. the color was never there.

from now on, i'm looking for the color. if its not there, i'm out. i want someone who loves me all the time and who i love all the time. you may call me unreasonable and tell me that this isn't possible and that's fine. you may have your opinion. i know he's out there.

i'm gonna find the guy from my dream, until then, who knows. i guess i'll just wait for the color.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wigqKfLWjvM

would you change anything?

an interesting question was posed the other day in church...if you had the opportunity to go back and change one thing in your life, would you? i know my pastor didn't mean that to be the focal point of his sermon, but for me it was. he said that there was a name for those of us who didn't raise our hands...liars. i really don't know if he's right. i mean, think about it, if you change even just one thing, everything that follows changes as well.

for example, something small to begin with, if instead of going to a movie, you stay home and play games with your family. either option is just fine, but if you stayed home, you would miss inside jokes with your friends, but gain them with your family. not that one should be higher than the other, but interactions after that look different.

something bigger as an example, what if everything would have worked out as "planned"? what if you were married right now? what would you have gained? what would your life look like? what would you have missed out on? would you really want anything different?

my answer is no.

the more things happen, the more i am affirmed that everything has a purpose, even when we screw up. we learn things. we learn what we want and what we deserve. we're a stubborn people and often pain is the best and cruelest teacher. look back however, and you'll see that hindsight is 20/20. if you can't see the purpose, you aren't far enough out of the event.

i know this all sounds weirdly optimistic, and the fact is, it may all be the holidays. i'm not feeling horribly happy at the moment, but i still have this strange feeling that everything will be alright.

i graduate in may. bollocks. i want so badly to go straigt to grad school, however, i'm flat broke. i am beginning to entertain the possibility of working for a few years and then going back to school. that opens a whole new box of issues, but i think i'll be alright. my last plan didn't work out and as broken and hurt as i was from the dissolution, i honestly don't want that plan anymore.

i'll be alright, whatever happens. and i wouldn't change a thing.